I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
