You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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