I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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