Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize