So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
