Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
