he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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