On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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