Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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