dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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