I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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