can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
