saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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