Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
