You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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