She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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