i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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