Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
