Will you blow on my dice?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
