Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
