Where did you get a picture of my penis
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
