Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize
