The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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