He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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