someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
