I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
