shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
