Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize