I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
