Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Im part way to drunk.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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