I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize