So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
