Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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