She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
