Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
