Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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