I must be too annoying 4 u.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize