just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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