so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
