Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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