Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
false alarm, still single
Randomize