im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
