Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
