then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
