So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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