Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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