I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
