I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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