Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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