based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
