Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
