i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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