I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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