theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i think i just lost a toe
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
