I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
