Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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